So I just finished a 4 day juice fast. There are lots of reasons to juice fast, but for me, the biggest one is always the clarity. I feel so grounded, so alive, so connected to the Divine. I always seem to come out of a juice fast with major life realizations that profoundly effect where I am, and clarify where I'm going. Here's what came to me this time:
I'm a writer!
I've been daydreaming for over a year about being a writer. About waking up early, and writing a book...several books. I see myself getting up before the rest of the house, in the quiet morning hours. I see a wood stove, and a tea kettle, my mug, and a beautiful view that fills me with peace and inspiration as I write. Maybe it's the view, or the wood stove, but every time I think about that picture, I also say somewhere in my being, "that will be great someday."
Meanwhile, I've got a book all finished on my computer, waiting for editing, another book I've been dying to write, a blog I totally put on the back burner, and a weekly newsletter that's really important to me, and that I really enjoy, but that I treat like an obligation in my schedule. I've been so focused on my practice, that this burning desire to write has been completely justified as a low priority. THIS coming from someone who believes that our burning desires are EXACTLY what we're supposed to do. They are God, the Universe, Source energy flooding through us, and most of the time we choose the world's idea of what's practical over our own ideas of what we can really contribute.
So I'm re-working my schedule to write, write, and write!
My heart is more closed than I think.
It's come to my attention lately that a few different women have been talking about me in less than flattering ways. I hate that! Part of me wants to rage on them, but another part of me is fascinated with the idea that nobody is inherently bad. I really believe that their need to criticize me, or pull me down, comes from their own fears, insecurities, and triggers. It's really not about me. AND I want to tear them down.
The thing is, I know that it is possible for us to love each other despite our behavior. I want to be able to look at these women and remember who they are, not how they're behaving. I want to stand for their greatness, as well as my own. I don't want their words to effect me. AND I want to tear them down.
I was in a meditation the other day and I saw these women come before me, and I felt love for them. It was pretty beautiful. And so right there I asked God to open my heart. I told "him" that I was willing to see the truth, the love, and the beauty in these women, but that I couldn't do it on my own. What came to me in my meditation is that everything that I want in life is directly connected to how much I can love THESE women. They are all here, right now, for a reason. I know that I have the potential to really love these women beyond what I think is possible. And I actually think that they are my opportunity to open my heart. They are my opportunity to break through my own judgements that separate me from people, from love, from creating fully in this life. Plus, rage feels so bad, and the possibility of the miracle feels so good.