I Didn't Dream of Being a Mom

I never dreamed of being a Mom. It wasn’t something I thought about or desired. It wasn’t in my plans, and it wasn’t on my vision board.

When we found out I was pregnant, 6 months into our engagement, it felt like the right thing to do to have the baby.

Over the next 11 ½ years I “did the right thing.” I gave everything I knew how to give (because after all, poor kid didn’t ask to come into this world,) all the while trying desperately to find my purpose.

But every time I’d start to find my purpose in the form of a business, or a blog, or a sexy new project, the boy would gently call me home.

First it was a deep knowing that he needed some extra help to thrive, then it was delayed development, then atypical behavior, then a genetic syndrome, then epilepsy….

Each new development required more commitment, more awareness, more research, more doctors appointments, more diet changes, more money, more work, more patience….

And each new development made it harder to find and go after my purpose. I was sure that what was standing in the way of my happiness was being a mom.

One month ago, things came to a screeching halt.

I was away on business, I was stressed to the max, I was trying to fulfill 5 part time jobs (mostly because I was trying to escape and find purpose,) and my boy started having seizures, back to back, while I was mid flight.

I rushed home. The house was a mess, there was barely any food in the fridge, and my stressed out husband greeted me with kindness but concern.

Suddenly my “purpose” could not have been clearer.

Hi. Natalie? You there? Yes, this is Purpose….I’ve been calling you for awhile, but it seems you’re a little dense. Let me make it crystal clear…there are a couple of people here who could use you….how ‘bout you give it all you got?!

While I was out in the world, looking for a way to use my whole self, there was a home full of people that belonged to me…and they were asking me to use my whole self.

The very thing I’d been resisting for the last 11 ½ years, the monotony of taking care of kids, learning how to communicate with a son who processes information differently, practicing herculean patience, figuring out alternative education options, relying on the medical system, creating an environment that is warm and loving (which necessitates clean laundry and dishes – ugh!) and being relaxed enough to meet the kids where they are with silliness, playfulness and laughter…and take care of myself enough to give at least equally to my man…a man who carries us all…

While I have been busy feeling resentful and like I was living someone else’s life, my boy has been busy delivering exactly what I asked for a very long time ago….

I wanted to know and give unconditional love: Check! I wanted a spiritual path: Got it. I wanted to reach my fullest potential: He asks me everyday. I wanted something to pour my heart and soul into: Uh-huh! I wanted an apartment in Paris…..I’m sure that’s next.

Eckart Tolle says, “Instead of asking, ‘What do I want from life?’ a more powerful question is, ‘What does life want from me?’”

If life is asking me to show up when it’s hard, and to stay present, and to find a sense of humor, and to have faith, and to turn limitations into opportunities to love more and greater and deeper, then my life is indeed filled with purpose, and abundant in gifts. Exactly as it is. Even with the laundry. And this kid? My greatest teacher….and if I’m humble enough, he’ll walk me right home.